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Wednesday, May 5, 2010

My plan feels sort of completely frustrated.

I am really grateful for all by blessings.
(just to say.)
So I have gotten to the point of complete discouragement where when I think about the things I am facing, I start to sweat, like a fainting depsair of dizziness. Dramatic? I know. I am going to try to just remain calm and patient. It has been about 2 months now since I have submitted my mission paperwork to my Stake President. It's taking so long because they wouldn't approve my papers due to history of anxiety. My Stake President has done so much to help me, and to make sure I have the opportunity to go on a mission. It's hard not to doubt yourself when outside forces are doubting you. But I do know, as I have known since I decided this, that I can and will go through. All of these people are getting their calls and I remain unassigned. I wonder why. I wonder what I am supposed to learn. I wonder if I will ever, ever get my call. I don't want to "guess" where I am going to go anymore, or wait "just one more week" - but then again, I don't want to go to work today or pay for my car to get fixed, but I do it anyway because I guess I have to. I can just say that no one will be more excited ever about getting their mission call in the mail than me. I am going to be so relieved, and happy, and finally excited about a place and a people. I already am excited about the Gospel, or at times I try very hard to be. It's a difficult thing and I will be honest, I'm not always excited. But I'm wanting to do this a lot! And help good people persuade great lives. Discover happiness and fullness with them. And I CAN do it, and I can do it.
Not this Wednesday.

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