Thursday, June 17, 2010

ever had to dance with the devil?

This compilation treatment is difficult, complicated...closing out on me.
So yesterday I drove to Logan to visit my friend Kylie. What I loved about it was that it was a day OUT of the life of me, instead of just a day in the life of me. I really love a day that you can do everything different than what you normally do. Like hang out at bear lake for a long time and eat two meals and a rasberry shake within two hours. And hike off the road where you aren't supposed to, and say things to a friend that you wouldn't say to other people, because you hardly ever see her. It feels nice. And don't get me started on the great amount of joy a solo car ride brings to me through the medium of music.

We watched this movie called The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, a very intriguing movie about letting your imagination get the worst of you, or the best of you. It makes me wonder about my imagination, and how it can sometimes be so invaluable. I wish that I dreamed about better things. Like things that were less selfish. I am learning a great deal of life lessons right now. I would like to say that I appreciate the lessons. I do appreciate them. However I feel so guilty for even having to learn them in the first place. It's a pride thing. Pride and no pride is a very tricky thing. If pride were at the bottom of a needle, and I was balancing on top of that needle... with the sharpness of the needle and the gravity of me being human, it would most definitely penetrate into me because of my weight. You can't escape pride. At least I feel like I can't, and sometimes I go crazy trying to discipline myself in that area because it feels impossible. However I do think that I am very lucky to be learning so many things. It's a little overwhelming because there are so many things at once. Right now I'm kind of in the middle of everything and I don't know where it's going to settle. My problem was I tried to do things before the time was right. Like jumping into a swimming pool with my regular clothes on. And my regular clothes were just weighing me down and making me freezing. And suddenly there is a swimming suit offered and I am all hesitant to wear it, do I want to go swimming anymore anyways? I feel like I have already been drowned a few times. You know when you are playing a car racing video game, how the steering is very sensitive? You take one turn too sharp and then it takes a great amount of effort to stop swerving on and off the track and to be going steady again. That's how I feel about the control I have behind the wheel in my life. You know in the movie Holes, when they see God's thumb off in the distance. They still have to hike to it. They aren't saved just because they see it, and they nearly die trying to get to the top of the mountain where God's thumb is. Even if I know where truth and goodness are, and I can see them...that doesn't mean I have reached them. But all I need is faith the size of a mustard seed which is weird because I put mustard on my sandwich yesterday for the first time in years, and it tasted great. I usually don't like it. So maybe I am on the right track a little bit. Maybe I am totally lost and confused and I have no idea where I am wandering and how I am feeling, and how those feelings reflect who I am, and who I could be if I felt differently, and who I feel like I want to be and what I am that I don't want to be, and where I'm going that's nowhere and where I'm going that's somewhere, and if somewhere is good then where might it be, and is there more than one of those good places to be going, and why do I feel like I'm on line 1 listening to a dial tone while my life is on line 2, waiting. I am in no way sad though. I kind of feel unusually happy.
And this song is my new FAVORITE SONG!!

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