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Wednesday, June 9, 2010

let's be honest.


In the last little while, including October, November, December, January, February, March, April, May & June... my direction in life has been lacking. It has been lengthening. It has been continually winding around this corner where you can't see what is around this corner. It has been stretched out. Puffed up. It lingers at nowhere. It is tearful, and weary. And it is nervous, and ready. It is so ready. The gun shot shot is hovering. The trigger is triggered, the silence is waiting. The winding is winding down. -You know how there are false starts in a race? That great and terrible moment right before you take off, and it's almost deathly waiting for the gun to go off. And then a false start happens and it makes you even more nervous for the second try.- Believe me, I am the queen of those false starts. I am the queen of a lot of things. Is that good or bad...? I will have to say that it's neutral. Am I halfway there or halfway not there? That's the question I'm too handicapped to answer. So here I sit. I let the sun set on another potentially glorious day. My direction in life is changing. It's like the winding road is still winding. But the turns are turning different ways. I see the opportunity for downhill cruising and I am longing for that. I just might take the slope. I speak of my mission. I speak of maybe not going on one. I could only add so much fuel to that fire, and the fuel was never sufficient. I love the church with all my heart. I believe in it. I want to center my life around it. Does that mean I have to go on a mission? The thing here is... I never had that solid answer. I never had a burning conviction. The envelope containing my desires was never sealed shut. This doesn't mean I don't want to be good. It just means, maybe I shouldn't do this particular thing. In spending so much time working on preparing for a mission...I have learned more than I ever have in my short life. And I learned one specific important thing. Something I can use my whole life long. I should always keep it in my mind, in a treasure box. All of this preparing and no results has me spent. My self is irrevocably ready to go. And the mission is still so far off in the distance. The two don't collide. It's more like they clash. And when my feelings clash so much with my goals, it's only smart of me to take another look at them, right? Perform some editing and revising. I can still be everything I want to be and not be a full time missionary. I can still live the Gospel the best that I can. That is a right that I will hopefully never deny myself. So instead of spending more and more and most likely more time trying to do something that I have sort of lost interest in.... I am concocting. I have lot's of things brewing in my head. It's like a meal being cooked, and you can smell it. It's like my time. It is finally my time to give myself what I want. To go after things that truly engulf the passion that somehow got hidden deep inside of me. I am young. I am single. And I almost finally feel completely freed from my trials and tribulations. I feel like I could take the world and put it in a back pack and travel to the moon. That's how excited I feel when I think about this one thing, that I think I might do. This thing. I just have to figure out a few more things about it. But I do know one thing. This thing I speak of is the one thing in my whole entire life that has always been in the back of my mind. The one thing I have wholeheartedly desired to do, but never thought that I could, or would. So now that I have made it here, I have some serious deciding to do. And if I don't do a mission thing, I will do a just as epic thing.

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