Sunday, July 25, 2010

Only God knows.

He is the only person who understands the frantic pace of my heart the day I was literally running around Provo, searching for an ATM in a courthouse where there was nothing but marble staircases and elevators. How I was running along the highway trying to find a way to get cash, so I could pay for my immunization shots. Because only he knows why I wanted to get them done that day, right then.
He only knows what it took to sit across from my Bishop and confide in him things that made me want to fly to mars and never return to earth.
Why I stayed up for 4 or more consecutive nights, in illness and exhaust, just to prove that I didn't need a medication that I really did need. How I felt walking around work like a zombie, feeling like I was going to topple over and float away from my body, then crash at the ceiling, just to prove that I didn't need something that I did need.
The angst jumping around all inside of me as I sat across from my Stake President, and my pure desires to be there for the right reasons.
My desires to do everything for the right reasons, and the terrifying fear that I wasn't.
My accomplishment of being pure and worthy.
The blow week after week of phone calls saying nothing had happened yet. Only God knows how that made me feel. What that took out of me.
My desperate need to get out of town and away from people who had me weighed too heavily down.
My effortful and diligent study of the Gospel, in order to be properly prepared. Only he could understand that sincerity.
My true desire to be happy.
My true desire to succeed.
My true desire to feel great about the life I am leading.
Nobody will ever understand that but him.
My falling behind, my losing faith. He could only understand why.
My life as it stands right now. The plataue it sits upon. The blankness in front of me. The lost compass. The fear. The exhaustion. The ignorance. The pressure.
Hopefully he could understand these things as well, and give me a chance to feel that he knows. Because I know that nobody else will ever know the agonizing process I have put myself through. Time after time.
I was just trying to do something good. I have always really wanted to do something good. I have always wanted to please him. I want him to be happy with me, I only want to be on his side. Only he would know that.
He knows the problems that arise when dealing with a human. Their nature of selfishness, and fear. And he is the only one who can take those things away from me.

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