Thursday, September 9, 2010

Light me up inside.

There is a reason I love driving around at night, and why it's one of my single most favorite things. Let me try to piece it together.

I really need some help. Not that I can recieve it from anyone, because this is a thing of my own. But I have been trying very much so to come up with a good way to put some of my feelings into words and it just keeps not ever coming out sufficiently. I have these deep feelings. Deep feelings towards tools, sheds, dirty hands, drag races, construction zones, spotlights, hard hats, reflectors, tractors, cranes, street lights, the smell of gasoline and smoke and oil, warehouses, heavy machinery, and anything like unto it. I love driving at night. I love seeing the city lights. But even more I love construction at night. When there is a big spotlight illuminating a task at hand. I love those white trucks with the flashing yellow lights on top. I love seeing sparks fly and hearing trucks beep. Piles of dirt and slabs of cement. To me... it is a beautiful, beautiful sight.

I don't know what it is about this "theme" of the world that really gets to me, but it sure does. It's like I dream of spending future nights in the garage or the shed and just watching my husband work on whatever. Get his hands dirty. Mumble some stuff to himself. It really sends me. I dream of wandering around a huge warehouse full of metal and wood supplies, just walking on through the aisles in the neon light. I dream of going to the drag races and wearing "his" jacket and sitting so close that it ruins your ears and your lungs. I dream of driving around in the middle of the night just passing by all of the business signs lit up. This makes me feel safe. It makes me feel comfortable. It makes me excited, makes me feel romantic. It fulfills me inside. I had a dream once that I was married, livin' at my own house. It was the middle of the night and it was freezing outside. So cold that all of the gasoline in the cars in our garage froze solid. (It was a dream okay) So me and my husband got up out of bed and I put on his coat and we went out to the garage to fix the problem. I sat there to the side while he made the gasoline be gasoline again, and then we decided to go get hot chocolate. And that dream stuck with me because it's one of the best dreams I ever had.
I used to date this kid. His dad's house was definitely a man's house. There was not much furniture, and there were random tools and parts laying around. No decor. It was very plain and dismal but it had proof enough equipment of a working man. Although I would never dream for my own home to be this way, I absolutely loved going over there. It made me feel like I was in complete male territory which made me feel again, somewhat romantic. Like I had walked into a place that I could never create on my own, but I had the privilidge to experience. It's what draws me in. It's not the smell of calogne, or a business suit, a ripped upper body, or an outdoorsy flare. It's not roses and candlelit dinner. It's the hardcore, intense, mechanical part of the male dynamic that reaches out to me and makes me want to trust someone and love them forever. It's weird. Because I love soft things. Like voices and hearts. And would like a man to have that. I just don't think I have any stable opinion of a certain man I would desire for. It's like that idea has been destroyed for me. I don't want to build up any expectations...I almost can't. It's so hard for me to make myself feel at home and comfortable with another. But throw in some lights at night and some car stuff and machines and my heart will feel like making a deal. It's hard to explain how they connect. Like why in the world would a tractor make me feel better about men? What is so cozy about a warehouse? What waits in the middle of the night that makes me want to always be there and awake and doing things when everyone else is asleep... that makes me feel so incredibly alive. I think it's just a concept that's so easy for me to internally grasp onto. It has nothing to do with doctors, or clinics, or business meetings or dinner parties. Idea pitching or marketing or drawing boards, politics or church organizations. Things that the man I know represented. It's just a simple way for my heart to latch onto the other side.

All of the above things mentioned, they would mean nothing to me and have no effect on me were they not correlated directly to the male gender. They intertwine and form this craving in me. It may be silly, or superficial, definitely stereotypical, not totally agreeable or understandable, to have the idea that men are at their finest at their dirtiest. But it has been my way of coping and coming to desire after something that once had all my belief in that broken. It's solid medal. It's neon lighting. It's engines. You can't get any more durable, bold and dependable than that.
As for the "middle of the night" factor, that's a custom spin on all these other things. It's a major bonus. It's like we would be awake while everyone else was asleep. Like we would be loving each other when no one else was. Having fun. Like.... seperate from the world. Away from other love stories. Safe from them. Loving in reality when others are just dreaming.

...and even if I ever end up lonely or alone, I feel like I can look to these things and feel that feeling of the other half of this world, men.

(I think that this lure I speak of is a huge reason why I want to see the movie TRON. If that better explains the lure.)

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