Monday, August 13, 2012

the passenger type

I persistently wonder if we make a game out of life, or if it's life that makes a game out of us. The space between ultimate stress and severe joy, if there is a space at all, is very tiny and I like to hang out there. It squeezes me in very tight, so that I don't have to feel the chaos of loose space and the pale gray of normality.

I watch as the same day unfolds like a dirty uniform what seems like a million times. I think of Kaleb out on the highways at midnight, I let the headlights of his truck guide my thoughts and eventually dreams through the blackness of worry. I lay on the side of the bed that I would sit were I in his truck with him, and listen to obscure rock music that I think he might be listening to. It gives me so much hope that this is all worth it, it makes the endless days turn into one long, eternal night that knows no chronological time. So there is no longer an amount of months where things haven't changed, and this very night is the first time I have ever felt weary, or possibly the last.

I am very organized, and care about which items go in what drawers. I have a place for everything and my wires short circuit when things are out of that place. And then I go and deem myself an item, who only belongs where she has been assigned. I let people put me where they think I should be, instead of being the person God intended me to be. I forget, God identifies me to be the person who lays on the passenger side of the bed, and he doesn't mind when I listen to obscure rock music and weep instead of reading scholarly books. It's okay for me to say my jokes, even when they are unfathomable to you, and you, and you. And he knows that I like it in this little crevice between ultimate stress and severe joy. It is the trench he has provided for me to wait out the endless days. Maybe the only thing stopping me from being happy here is worrying that being myself is out of place, because the world told me to be elsewhere. Told me that the wide open space was good for me. Told me that being the passenger isn't enough.

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