Monday, December 9, 2013

our first month.

The most peculiar thing to me so far about motherhood is leaping out of bed in the mid night. No, not to feed or to soothe Sawyer, but because there is milk literally dripping out of me by the second and if I don't do something about it I feel like I'll certainly explode. That is one thing I didn't even consider when bracing myself for all this. Milk, milk, milk.

It is so hard to not be tempted to make whipped cream or hot chocolate with the stuff, and maybe that wouldn't be such a crime. And the hunger that comes along with it...I am creeped out that I eat twice as much as Kaleb does in a day. If Fresca causes cancer in any minor way I'm doomed because I drink cans of it around the clock.

The first few weeks I was just bewildered by Sawyer. He would scream in my face and I would just stare at him sometimes thinking, who is this punk?? It was actually extremely difficult for me and I can't say I enjoyed all of it.

Then out of nowhere it was like I was completely smacked with love for him. One second after another I suddenly knew him and the love I feel for him now is so overwhelming it can be painful. I even cried when he would spit up because it just seemed so sad, even though he didn't even seem to notice. One night, I accidentally spilled flour on his face and we both sobbed about it for a good long while.

One day, he will be too old to cry with me. We cry together when we can.

The hardest part for me has definitely been breast feeding. I can't even say why. I just struggle with it, and probably always will. I hate that there is even a way out, because I get tempted to take it. But I have not given up on giving Sawyer the finest, fresh squeezed. If he could talk to other babies, he'd say. "My mom makes thee best milk you will ever try..." because he can't try my homemade pizza yet. He is a mad sucker. And has become a pacifier addict, which is a dismay to his parents because he has a hard time keeping it in his mouth for over 5 minutes. He likes to launch it out of his mouth too so it falls on the kitchen floor.

Kaleb and I have both gotten totally sick since he was born. I get 8 hours of sleep per week instead of night anymore. I am still as OCD as ever, so unfortunately having things neat and tidy became more important to my sanity than healing. So I would run around frantically cleaning and picking things up and then paying for it major several times over again.

Sawyer already has a deep voice and strong leg muscles. I predict he will run track because he has these long feet and hands. He has my big ears. He is just starting to enjoy his baths but he hates getting lotioned up after. He wakes up some mornings with a goopy eye that is crusted shut, and I should feel bad for him but it makes me laugh every time.

I go from thinking I might never want another one to planning to try again for a second ASAP.

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