Saturday, February 22, 2014

Friday night! We had been waiting all damn week to be together as a family. Dinner was on the table and we had just barely sat down to eat. I let out that sigh that Kaleb was finally home with us. We go all week only seeing each other for moments at a time, and only having the chance to actually talk candidly through a phone call before me and Sawyer go to bed. So we took maybe one bite of dinner before Kaleb's driver is on the phone saying there is something completely wrong with the truck and he's on the side of the road. I was especially disheartened because it was an extra long week, Kaleb having to put in a ton of time for repairs and maintenance already. I wanted to cry; and I did. I watched Kaleb change from his pajamas back into his work clothes, just minutes after taking them off. I stared at our dinner through blurry eyes, knowing it would not get eaten. Because Kaleb had to leave, but also because we didn't feel like eating anymore.

Getting the news that something is wrong with one of the trucks is an extremely stressful situation, always. At the moment we don't have a back up truck for any of our routes, meaning we have to rent if something goes wrong. Not only is that VERY costly for the amount of miles we drive every night, but it's impossible if trucks break down after rental places have closed. Nightmare. (We're working on the whole back-up truck's complicated.)

You have to look at the small ways your are lucky in any given situation. I decided me and Sawz would accompany Kaleb on his journey to North Salt Lake as he figured out what-the-heck he was even going to do. I didn't want to have another night at home without him. The lucky part is I had a bottle in the fridge completely ready to go. Don't ask me why I had it because I don't know. I usually don't have a bottle for him unless we plan to go somewhere where I can't nurse. For me, the side of the road is a nurse free zone.

Sawyer was such a little trooper. It was about the 6th time that day I had stuffed him into his car seat. He just looked at me with his incredible blue eyes and was happy. I'm glad sometimes that he has no idea what's going on. I just hope he doesn't feel the stress that we feel. The stress that I'm absolutely sick of, by the way. For a while it was acceptable, having these work dilemmas. At this point it's more than tiring. I hate the feeling that I get when this happens. It's this disgust for the situation, overwhelming pity for Kaleb because he just never ever gets a break.

Up until Kaleb started doing trucking, I have never had a bad memory that I despised looking back on. Every difficult thing from my past holds something too that I've gained. Everything except this blasted business. And for the record I support Kaleb in his endeavors 1,000 percent. I don't technically wish he never started this. But only technically. I just have so many haunting memories from these past few years, ones that I have yet to recover from. I can't remember things without shivering. Way too many times where we had no idea what to do, living in high stress situations non-stop for days and weeks at a time. I have even participated in a high-speed chase on the freeway, trying to catch one of our drivers who was on the run when he was supposed to be working. (Me and my mom. A story for another day though) Of course we have stopped to think..."well maybe this isn't for us..." but the fact that we sincerely should have failed a million times by now and haven''s intriguing. I mean literally, Kaleb once tried to fix his truck with glue. (We won't get into whether or not that worked.)

I suppose we have gained a few things from this of them is learning that a courier business will no matter what not thrive if you don't have at least one back up vehicle. The fact that repair shops don't do financing and won't give you back your vehicle until you have paid in full, plus the cost of renting a truck because you NEED one while yours is in repair...means you need an insane amount of cash flow. It's nothing less than an entire universal miracle that we have even survived...we had two engines give out last year within weeks of each other and not-a-one back up. The one problem about learning this lesson is we are unequipped to implement it. (Refer back to the two engines blowing out at once, do the math forward from that, and in weeks of rental fees, and you tell me if we can afford another truck.)

I'm not sure why I am sharing this. I'm not worried about the masses reading my blog, but maybe for the few that do, this is very personal and not uplifting. But it is real. It is part of my life. It's what I face. Why hide it? We are poor. I feel like a slave to money. I hate money. Having none of it is miserable. I am very very happy in my life. I love my husband and my son way too much. We are a happy family and have hope despite ev-er-y-thing. As long as my main men are safe and healthy I am wealthy with blessings. I wouldn't trade a single second of this wacked life because I have my little Soy Boy. And I still hold on that one theory, the one where it all pays off. I am stupefied about why we do this if it doesn't pay off. And the lucky part is...... drum roll please.....

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