Thursday, April 10, 2014

Naps in the evening are never a good idea. Because you start to jolt awake thinking..."WHAT HAPPENED" and your pulse begins churning like the hot lava beneath the earth. Sawyer's nap time; I'm conflicted by it. Because they are the precious seconds of my life that I have all to myself anymore. I panic, and kind of sit down on the floor and do nothing because I don't know when that will come about again. Even though it's every single day. Tonight, I accidentally fell asleep, and it's the evening. I don't do that!

I have developed a horrible disease. It started out slow and gentle but is now furious and has taken a bite out of my health and well being. The disease is waking up every 30 mins to an hour at night to check on Sawyer. I startle awake for no reason with this horrible feeling. It's a choking, worried feeling that I continually peg as intuition as I dizzily stumble into Sawz'z headquarters only to find him breathing steadily, dreaming steadily. And sometimes even when he is breathing, it takes me a second to see and I will grab him and yell his name. I plan out disasters in my head, and feel the desperate ache of tragedies that don't exist. And it ruins me.

I have two main men now that I am afraid of losing. Kaleb, who wanders the desolate highways at night in his pick up truck out of service range. And Sawyer, who sleeps so deeply that his heart seems too tiny for it. He is such a mini person, and I love him so much it scares me. Really, it's pain, and that is not good. I have thought a lot about this, and concluded that I love my husband and my son so much, but I am manifesting it in all the wrong ways. I am loving them in fear and dread. I think, I can't lose these two. Then I imagine all the ways I could lose them, and feel a fraction of that loss for no reason, and I miss the celebration of them being here, and being okay. I'm sure the two of them get annoyed by it, too. They're tough guys that have great reasons to make it.

I have to make the brave decision to be okay with whatever will happen. If something bad does happen, I have to believe that it will be okay, and my vitals will somehow function still. I need faith that we are watched over, and that everything has a purpose. Most importantly, I need to enjoy that right now we are all alright, and there is no reason why we shouldn't be.

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