dear samaritan.

I walked out of the American Hardware store saying to myself... "one more thing... one more thing... I swear there was one more thing I needed to buy here.." but I had to get out now. I had been carrying around tiny wires, bolts and screws in my cupped hands and they were biting my palm like little bugs. Warning me that this was never going to work. Trying to fix things this way.

My grandma talks strangely sometimes. Like, "you can run from technology all you want, but you'll only find yourself miles away in brand new jeans that were sewn in a factory by an automatic machine. And then you'll have to wander back...pantless." I wonder if my Grandma visits me sometimes as an angel, and sometimes as a ghost. Cryptic messages that sway from talking to chanting in a language I can hardly grasp... I think saying "change the default setting" or "isn't this where you had your wedding?" or "one more thing you are forgetting"

The life of a listless listmaker.

One more thing to cross off my list. Go for a walk to the cemetery. I had something I needed to bury there. But upon arriving I found it had already buried me. The gravestone said: "I killed you with kindness. I killed ya."

That was one wild shot in the dark. And your aim....so impeccable!! That arrow drenched and dripping with ink. And me...what a blank page. Then I held on for dear life to the notion of death in your arms.

Wisdom from my angel Grandma; "There aren't many Christmas mornings...thank heavens...compared to summer nights and rainy Mondays. Hold on to those ones darlin'... there are a few more of those, and they are easier on your speedy little heart."

Ghost Grandma says to me "I have a present for you..."

I told my angel that I did in fact make a deal with the Gods.

"The Gods???"

Yes... I have a birthday coming up...and it's not the day that I entered this world, the world that I'm haunting Grandma, the world you left behind. It happened long before that, the birth of my soul. And I swear I could feel The Gods smiling at me...saying they had a present for me. My body still wanders the planet but my soul has somewhere else it needs to be.

"If you're making deals with someone...it's not God."

Well isn't that intriguing then.

I started digging. Flinging dirt behind me, right where Grandma stood, watching me quietly with tears in her eyes. I started running, far away from technology and all the blank rectangular screens. All those little blue screens didn't have place for ink. And I was just an open sheet of paper smeared with broken words. Everything can be wiped clean from a screen. You can change the default settings. But ink is forever, and I am paper. I'll always be paper. That is my default setting. Digging for that note that said "I killed you with kindness. I killed ya" searching for myself. Feeling the Gods inching closer and closer, smiling ever so decievingly upon me.

They sang "Merry Christmas to you...Merry Christmas to you...Merry Christmas Dear Samaritan...Merry Christmas to you." And they presented me with a gift. Wrapped up dreamily with a shimmering red ribbon.

Inside it was all those bolts and screws. "It's time to build yourself a new you!!" Ghost Grandma and the Gods all chanted. "Instructions are all in the American Software system. Online." And they left me there with that. It felt like way less than I was ever promised, but I tried to recieve it with grace. Left alone with
hardware
and software.
Dinnerware
clanking with
silverware
"Beware!"
said Janglin' the ghost
while I wandered back in my
underwear.
Leaving a ripped up paper trail, the path of an offline soul. As I tried to build myself this way, more and more was taken away. How much more can you take away?? How much more?? "One more thing..." said God himself.

I found a summer night and rested upon it. The beauty of dusk rested upon me. In layers, we pushed the sun down under. Dunked it behind the mountain tops. Not to come up for air till tomorrow. And God himself had stripped me of every last thing. All had been taken from me body and soul brought down low. I didn't realize it until sunrise and it was one long dark night, but it was the best gift I had ever recieved. To be wiped clean. Factory reset, back to default, I was the prettiest unwritten letter. My angel of a Grandma approached me then. She said "I dedicate this morning to you...Happy Birthday. Take more from your troubles than what they took from you." And she cut the shiny red ribbons that bound me.

Be free, be a lady
Be still against the breeze
Be a message in a bottle
Stay a while out at sea
Fly under the radar
Be the secret you can keep
See the sun down in the eve
Let it hold you in your sleep
Rest inside your fondest dreams
One more page, one more, one more
Just read, and think, no hurry dear
to wash up to the shore
The riptide turns your pages
They are endless
And they matter
The water round you rages
The green glass bottle ages
While no time can make it shatter
with you inside
the waves you ride
the depths you go
only you will know

And that is perfectly okay.