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Monday, November 6, 2017

Every single day now I make a to doable list. Meaning there is time and possibility to accomplish everything on that list if I manage the day well. If I think about the many big things that need to get done that seem like never ever will...I write them all down. Then I take from that monster list and break it up into little shards of daily lists. I am sure to write in at least one big task, routine reminders, as well as something everyday that allows me to fulfill the desires of my heart. I always save time for the desires of my heart.

Although my lists tend to get longer and seem to be the same everyday, not having a list makes me listless. I can look at my list from one month ago and see that my life has actually evolved quite a bit. Little things change ever so softly from night to night,

 Although one day after the other seems so the same, I can see that things have evolved so much from one month ago and the month before that.

When I see Sawyer smile big, and all his tiny white teeth are lined up in a row, it warms my soul. Not only is his smile precious because it is adorable, but it reminds me of our ever evolving life. How my perspectives are changing mostly for the better and I am growing up just as much as Sawyer. Because each tooth that now stands like a soldier in his mouth and represents peace, love, sacrifice. For every tooth he has there are 4-10 sleepless nights. Holding each other at 3:00 am, both of us tired, both of us sad.

I know why a smile can be captivating. I know why a smile can be contagious, heart-warming and encouraging. It is because a smile represents victory. It represents human life.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Doves like antibodies.
Sails like fancy hats.
A wishing well of a bubble bath,
You're aching, just like that.

Archeologists discovered a heart. Precise hands and a small intelligent brush quickly blew the dust off an ancient, beating artifact. Science revealed millions of years worth of tempest and strain, and the most peculiar thing they found about it, this heart, beating and beaten, still believed in God. And scientists could not explain it.


Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Mornings. The bad news of yesterday sighs. It doesn't stand a chance today. Not after the tears have dried up. Silence has settled and lays over the floor. You almost forgot. You tip toe barefoot to the bathroom, where the bright light blinds your sleepy eyes.

Soon, the sun cuts through the window. Blades of rays, spreading butter on toast. White toast, white girl. Happy, brave girl.

For you Sarah :) ....are you reading?

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Naps in the evening are never a good idea. Because you start to jolt awake thinking..."WHAT HAPPENED" and your pulse begins churning like the hot lava beneath the earth. Sawyer's nap time; I'm conflicted by it. Because they are the precious seconds of my life that I have all to myself anymore. I panic, and kind of sit down on the floor and do nothing because I don't know when that will come about again. Even though it's every single day. Tonight, I accidentally fell asleep, and it's the evening. I don't do that!

I have developed a horrible disease. It started out slow and gentle but is now furious and has taken a bite out of my health and well being. The disease is waking up every 30 mins to an hour at night to check on Sawyer. I startle awake for no reason with this horrible feeling. It's a choking, worried feeling that I continually peg as intuition as I dizzily stumble into Sawz'z headquarters only to find him breathing steadily, dreaming steadily. And sometimes even when he is breathing, it takes me a second to see and I will grab him and yell his name. I plan out disasters in my head, and feel the desperate ache of tragedies that don't exist. And it ruins me.

I have two main men now that I am afraid of losing. Kaleb, who wanders the desolate highways at night in his pick up truck out of service range. And Sawyer, who sleeps so deeply that his heart seems too tiny for it. He is such a mini person, and I love him so much it scares me. Really, it's pain, and that is not good. I have thought a lot about this, and concluded that I love my husband and my son so much, but I am manifesting it in all the wrong ways. I am loving them in fear and dread. I think, I can't lose these two. Then I imagine all the ways I could lose them, and feel a fraction of that loss for no reason, and I miss the celebration of them being here, and being okay. I'm sure the two of them get annoyed by it, too. They're tough guys that have great reasons to make it.

I have to make the brave decision to be okay with whatever will happen. If something bad does happen, I have to believe that it will be okay, and my vitals will somehow function still. I need faith that we are watched over, and that everything has a purpose. Most importantly, I need to enjoy that right now we are all alright, and there is no reason why we shouldn't be.

Monday, February 24, 2014

Our shirts were bright white, and looser because they were new. We walked along a vacation spot in the early sun, for breakfast. I love the feeling of fresh socks, how in the morning they grip your feet so tight. It's secure and makes you feel like you could walk anywhere. The scenery was golden from the sun, and the lengthened shadows hid everything we didn't want to worry about; while on vacation.

Saturday, February 22, 2014

Friday night! We had been waiting all damn week to be together as a family. Dinner was on the table and we had just barely sat down to eat. I let out that sigh that Kaleb was finally home with us. We go all week only seeing each other for moments at a time, and only having the chance to actually talk candidly through a phone call before me and Sawyer go to bed. So we took maybe one bite of dinner before Kaleb's driver is on the phone saying there is something completely wrong with the truck and he's on the side of the road. I was especially disheartened because it was an extra long week, Kaleb having to put in a ton of time for repairs and maintenance already. I wanted to cry; and I did. I watched Kaleb change from his pajamas back into his work clothes, just minutes after taking them off. I stared at our dinner through blurry eyes, knowing it would not get eaten. Because Kaleb had to leave, but also because we didn't feel like eating anymore.

Getting the news that something is wrong with one of the trucks is an extremely stressful situation, always. At the moment we don't have a back up truck for any of our routes, meaning we have to rent if something goes wrong. Not only is that VERY costly for the amount of miles we drive every night, but it's impossible if trucks break down after rental places have closed. Nightmare. (We're working on the whole back-up truck thing...it's complicated.)

You have to look at the small ways your are lucky in any given situation. I decided me and Sawz would accompany Kaleb on his journey to North Salt Lake as he figured out what-the-heck he was even going to do. I didn't want to have another night at home without him. The lucky part is I had a bottle in the fridge completely ready to go. Don't ask me why I had it because I don't know. I usually don't have a bottle for him unless we plan to go somewhere where I can't nurse. For me, the side of the road is a nurse free zone.

Sawyer was such a little trooper. It was about the 6th time that day I had stuffed him into his car seat. He just looked at me with his incredible blue eyes and was happy. I'm glad sometimes that he has no idea what's going on. I just hope he doesn't feel the stress that we feel. The stress that I'm absolutely sick of, by the way. For a while it was acceptable, having these work dilemmas. At this point it's more than tiring. I hate the feeling that I get when this happens. It's this disgust for the situation, overwhelming pity for Kaleb because he just never ever gets a break.

Up until Kaleb started doing trucking, I have never had a bad memory that I despised looking back on. Every difficult thing from my past holds something too that I've gained. Everything except this blasted business. And for the record I support Kaleb in his endeavors 1,000 percent. I don't technically wish he never started this. But only technically. I just have so many haunting memories from these past few years, ones that I have yet to recover from. I can't remember things without shivering. Way too many times where we had no idea what to do, living in high stress situations non-stop for days and weeks at a time. I have even participated in a high-speed chase on the freeway, trying to catch one of our drivers who was on the run when he was supposed to be working. (Me and my mom. A story for another day though) Of course we have stopped to think..."well maybe this isn't for us..." but the fact that we sincerely should have failed a million times by now and haven't...it's intriguing. I mean literally, Kaleb once tried to fix his truck with glue. (We won't get into whether or not that worked.)

I suppose we have gained a few things from this adventure...one of them is learning that a courier business will no matter what not thrive if you don't have at least one back up vehicle. The fact that repair shops don't do financing and won't give you back your vehicle until you have paid in full, plus the cost of renting a truck because you NEED one while yours is in repair...means you need an insane amount of cash flow. It's nothing less than an entire universal miracle that we have even survived...we had two engines give out last year within weeks of each other and not-a-one back up. The one problem about learning this lesson is we are unequipped to implement it. (Refer back to the two engines blowing out at once, do the math forward from that, and in weeks of rental fees, and you tell me if we can afford another truck.)

I'm not sure why I am sharing this. I'm not worried about the masses reading my blog, but maybe for the few that do, this is very personal and not uplifting. But it is real. It is part of my life. It's what I face. Why hide it? We are poor. I feel like a slave to money. I hate money. Having none of it is miserable. I am very very happy in my life. I love my husband and my son way too much. We are a happy family and have hope despite ev-er-y-thing. As long as my main men are safe and healthy I am wealthy with blessings. I wouldn't trade a single second of this wacked life because I have my little Soy Boy. And I still hold on that one theory, the one where it all pays off. I am stupefied about why we do this if it doesn't pay off. And the lucky part is...... drum roll please.....

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

I was sitting on the floor at 5 a.m. waiting and hoping for Sawz to fall back asleep. Every day I am at war with the fear that we are in the wrong place. That's when I noticed that the crib fits perfectly into this little slot in the wall. Sawyer sleeps in the laundry room, and if it weren't for that tiny little slot, cut out for what seems like no purpose at all, his crib would not fit. And then what? I hope it means we are meant to live here. Knowing just that would make my days less scary, in one way. But I'm wondering how I didn't notice that feature when we first moved in here and set up the crib. Makes me think there are a lot of obvious things that I just don't notice...things that are meant to reassure me.

The day I found out I was pregnant last year was also one of the hardest days Kaleb and I have experienced in our marriage. Being self-employed has been the trickiest little balancing act of our lifetimes. There have been a few big breaks, but mostly so far a great amount of disappointments and set backs parallel to endless hours of hard work in the daylight but also in the middle of the night. We do believe that someday, the pay off will be worth it. Until then, I absolutely need moments of reassurance. That one day last year, I was so stressed about money that I had to leave the house. I couldn't continue to be at home only ruminating the heaviness of our financial situation. I was in desperate need of something else. I knew we needed something else. I ended up in the bathroom stall at Wal-Mart looking at a positive pregnancy test. I stayed in the stall for a long time.

I may look around too desperately. My eyes can strain for visual peace so much that I am distracted from feeling it. I say it too much I'm afraid, I'm always telling Kaleb. "I just want to feel safe."

I don't know if I will ever feel safe. I can't put Sawyer to bed without a mini panic attack and several "check-on -hims." I now have two boys to worry over. One who skids the dark desert highways in the middle of the night, and the other who sleeps so quiet and deep it can be alarming.

I recognize my need for greater faith. Right now, I feel like I am gripping the good times with one tired, sweaty finger. I am overwhelmed that at any moment, so easily, my world could take a tumble. I wish it wasn't this way. I know it doesn't have to be. I need to remember, that Sawyer's crib fits like a puzzle. And our business is still alive. And that one time, in the Wal Mart bathroom stall when I knew we needed something else and we received it.